Final push

It’s the day before my last chemotherapy and spirits seem to be up again. I managed to get through that wee low patch...I may well have another before this all draws to an end (quite likely I guess), but what I’m learning through all of this is to try to be ok, however hard that is, with whatever comes. Trying, with all the energy that I have, to stay present with what is, in each and every moment. As I think I’ve said before, the problems always always seem way worse when I look ahead and feel that fear, or look back and feel the pain of what was. Sometimes it feels close to impossible but in fact the concept is very simple - for this last bit (and I guess it’s a lesson for forever more as well) the real test is to stay in the now.

I can’t say I’m looking forward to doing this again but I know if I can stay present with every moment (or with as many moments as I possibly can) the next couple of weeks will be the most manageable they possibly can be.

My main distraction during the hardest times, or when I’m in pain, (as I said in another blog - I know this is a bit of shock to those that know my film watching habits (or lack of them)) is watching films. Sometimes one after the other, just to take my mind of things. So, if anyone’s got any film recommendations or ability to lend me any (comedy of some sort, although I’m not so into slapstick) - laughing seems to be my medicine much of the time - that would be gratefully received.

My other favour to ask you all is if anyone knows of any places that might be available in Brighton in October. I’ve got radiotherapy Monday to Friday, every day, for 3 weeks starting on Wed 8th Oct until Tues 28th Oct - and the commute from Wadhurst every day there and back is too long. Any thoughts/ideas would, again, be gratefully received.

So...this is indeed the final push, for the chemotherapy at least. Then after radiotherapy the focus will be on getting back to health - in body, and in mind. I’ve noticed my confidence and self-esteem have dropped quite a lot through this process. I think that’s largely to do with the drastic changes I have undergone in my appearance. I feel like physical layers have been stripped back and I’m not being left with a huge amount here...externally at least. I’m being told otherwise by the people around me but it’s a very real feeling in my world nonetheless. Many of the features that I thought defined who I am are no longer there.

Obviously the surgery has left me with permanent changes and the chemotherapy more with temporary changes (I’m talking on the level of appearance here). Either way, it is forcing me more and more into a journey of trying (again, it feels very difficult, if not close to impossible) to find, and focus on, an inner beauty instead. Not an easy lesson, but one i have had no choice but to try and embrace.

We know that the physical is a constantly changing thing so I know it’s a good lesson to have because changes are going to happen whether we like it or not. We can’t always have the same physical appearance as we go through life. I guess it’s just that some people go through changes faster, and more dramatically, than others. Sometimes that’s hard for me to get my head around, and I feel rather affected by the changes that I have gone through, and am still going through. On the other hand, however, I know that with a little bit of hard work I do have it in me to work through it. It’s just going to take some time, effort and awareness.

Ok, I’ll leave it there for now, as I sit here munching on my new favourite ice cream – it’s AMAZING for anyone that’s interested and the name is bizarrely fitting, not to mention that it fits all my dietary requirements – ‘Boojah-Boojah’ Hunky Puncky Chocolate ice cream – dairy free, gluten free, sugar free AND YUUUUMMY! Sending you all heap loads of love and, as ever, I’ll post when I re-emerge from the sixth and final chemo tunnel. Booyah de booyah xxx